The Complete List of Failures: Ender’s Game, The Movie

By: Jerome Wassel:

  1. Peter looks like a schmuck, and isn’t that evil. Like, really. All he does is mildly choke Ender. No evil monologue like in the book. Little disappointing.
  2. Valentine is also a schmuck. So are the parents. Whoever cast this family needs to reevaluate their life. WHY IS THE FATHER RUSSIAN?
  3. Valentine implies Ender’s parents spent money having him, despite it being made quite clear in the book the government gave them special permission to have a third child at no cost.
  4. This is more of a complaint at the book. Why is there population control after the human race was almost made extinct?
  5. Ender doesn’t break the kids arm on the shuttle. Which makes it confusing as to why the kids would hate Ender at all.
  6. WHY IS ENDER SO OLDDDDDDDDDDDDDD?????
  7. They turn the touching ‘Salam’ moment into an inconsequential scene that they would’ve been better off skipping.
  8. For some reason, one of the schmucks writing this thought Petra and Ender should have a relationship. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!?!?!.
  9. Bonzo uses Spanish words just so you know he’s Spanish, because having one of those random extras tell Ender he’s Spanish like they do in the book would’ve been too hard.
  10. Ender goes straight from Salamander to Dragon. This makes the rest of battle school rather confusing, because the timeline is borked.
  11. The Fantasy Game is now just the Mind Game, with only the giant in it.
  12. Ender kills the giant the first night.
  13. They completely skip the part where Ender kills the wolf children, for no reason.
  14. They ruin the castle scene.
  15. They ruin everything ever.
  16. Screw it, we’ll keep going.
  17. There’s only one battle room, for some reason.
  18. They completely skip Ender training the Launchies, which is how he garners so much respect.
  19. Major Anderson is a woman. I don’t have a real issue with this, I just kind of expected it to be a man.
  20. They completely skip the part about ‘Spanish Pride/Honor”, making Bonzo look like nothing more than a sore loser.
  21. They actually skip anything that could be mildly racist, including the Jewish commander Ender has in his second army.
  22. The Buggers are called Fornics, or something. Yes, I’m aware of the British use for the word bugger, but we are talking about actual GIANT BUGS. Grow up, movies.
  23. Mazer Rackham dies for some reason in the videos. I mean, he’s still alive later, but why juke us all into thinking he’s dead? In the books it’s just thought that he died of old age. What purpose does having him commit suicide by crashing into the Hive Queen’s ship serve.
  24. The ant analogy is awful. The workers can still, well, work without a queen. The buggers go braindead without their queen.
  25. Why does Ender resign? I mean, could you not just have had him lose his will on Earth instead of having him go on a temper tantrum in the Battle School?
  26. WHY DO THEY COMPLETELY SKIP PETER’S PLAN FOR WORLD DOMINATION. WHY?
  27. Why isn’t the cocooned Hive Queen psychic?
  28. I jumped ahead on 28 because now, Ender cannot write the “Hive Queen and the Hegemon.” This means there can be no second, third, or fourth movie. All because they skipped two major plot points. Good work, now you miss out on extra profits.
  29. Why does Ender give in so easy to Valentine persuading him to fight?
  30. Why isn’t the Command Center Ender goes to on an asteroid? Do asteroids cost too much to animate? Why?
  31. Why isn’t the trip to the center, or off the center at light-speed? It really messes up the whole timeline.
  32. Again, what is the purpose of this romance between Petra and Ender? It’s never developed. He leaves her on the planet. It just makes me cringe.
  33. Why doesn’t Ender have all the nightmares about the buggers?
  34. Why doesn’t the planet evaporate? I mean, there’s nothing holding it together. That’s kind of the point of the M.D device. Seems like it’s a little faulty.
  35. Why do the carriers have so many ships? In the book it’s established they each only have five.
  36. Why is the cocooned Hive Queen on the planet? Ender is supposed to find it on the colony planet he settles with Valentine and other people.
  37. Why does he leave Valentine on Earth?
  38. Why is there a living Hive Queen with the cocoon? I mean, it doesn’t talk to Ender. It just wipes a tear from his eye. There is literally no point for it to be here. It does NOTHING besides be a little scary.
  39. How does Ender know the little, beating thing is a Hive Queen? Nobody tells him. The Hive Queen certainly doesn’t. Why does he just assume he should find it a planet?
  40. Why does Mazer Rackham even bother teasing us with saying his tattoos “Speak for the Dead”. There quite literally cannot be a sequel, considering in the sequel, which is called Speaker for the Dead, which takes place 3,000 years after Ender’s Game, and after he wrote the Hive Queen and the Hegemon. Since these two events cannot happen due to ships going at sub-lightspeed and Ender not finding the cocooned Hive Queen on the colony, and not talking to old Peter, this plot point is such a tease it’s not even funny.

Amendments:

  1. Why is it that they only need to have one person make it through the enemy’s gate in the Battle Rooms? It’s supposed to be you need one person touching their helmet to a corner of the room, and then you can have people go through the gate. That’s how Ender wins quite a few battles, by making it so enemy armies have less than five people left.
  2. Why would they make the common mistake about asteroid belts? There is literally no way asteroids could be that clumped together. It’s really basic physics. The asteroids would slam into each other so often they’d break themselves up.
  3. Why would they skip all of Ender’s overwhelming victories? And Petra getting her own army? And most of Dragon army getting swapped away? I mean, this could’ve been accomplished in like one montage. Superrrr easy. The whole ‘Bonzo angry, Bonzo SMASH!’ bit in the shower is confusing without this stuff. My guess is it’s so they could ship Petra+Ender, because they have a ‘falling out’ during this bit.
    1. 3a. Okay, mind you, they DO montage this, but  it’s done so poorly if you weren’t looking, weren’t praying, for them to show Ender being the strategic genius he is, you will miss the little Dragon Army icon sliding up the ranks for the battle room.
  4. The formation of the buggers during the last battle was prettyyyyy screwed up, but the writing was prettyyyyyy confusing regarding it, so I guess it gets a semi-by?
  5. Why is there a Drill Sergeant Nasty? What purpose does he serve? In the book the Lauchie ‘Commander’, who Drill Sergeant Nasty replaces, was actually pretty nice. To add onto that, Drill Sergeant Nasty takes a heel-face-turn and respects Ender. If they had included the bit about Ender winning all those battles, this would make sense, but as it stands, Ender won literally ONE battle.
  6. They completely skip the part where Valentine is asked to write a note to Ender WHILE he’s still at Battle School because he’s lost his motivation. This is why he doesn’t trust her when she comes to the lakehouse. Oh, they butchered this story.
  7. Dragon Army’s last battle is in fact two battles blended into one, which makes no sense. Do child actors really cost this much? Meanwhile, part of the difficulty is the fact that Dragon Army is being given two-to-three battles a day and are exhausted.
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